I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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