remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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