After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
