went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
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I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
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