Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
