Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
