I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
