how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
