My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
