he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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