that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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