I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
