I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
