Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
