I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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