Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
