I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
