you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
