he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
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that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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