You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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