mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
