he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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