your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
