Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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