I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
