dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
