Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
