Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
