I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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