Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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