she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
