im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
