dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
