Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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