Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
