I can tuck mytits in my pants
Don't make out with my wife yet
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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