She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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