What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
