Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
