Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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