We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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