Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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