So drunk its hurt
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
