This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
