Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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