i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just pee around me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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