WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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