Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
