Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
