Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
