It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
