Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
