I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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