I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
