At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
