My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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